DAY 6

I honestly don't think I got very much sleep that night, if any, and remember feeling like I was just going through the motions but not really there.

This morning was supposed to be Emmy's first ever dance recital. She had practiced long and hard for months for this day, and I couldn't imagine not being there for it. So much had happened that week and I felt like I had put her on the back burner, and I just couldn't do that to her for this moment too.

I wore the same clothes I had worn for 2+ days, got in the car with Logan from the hospital, and we headed towards her recital. For the 3 minutes that she was on stage I was taken away from all of the heartache. She was beaming the entire time she was up there and couldn't wait for her next recital.

After her recital we headed back to the hospital. From that moment until that evening, I don't remember anything that happened. I'm sure there was a lot of sitting in the recliner by his bed, a little bit of holding him as to not disturb him too much, and a lot of wondering what was to come.

That night I lost it, which is probably an understatement if you ask my husband. I was confused. Friday night I thought I understood what was happening. I thought that even though he was pretty much on life support, that at some point his fragile little body would just stop responding to the oxygen. I guess I thought it would be that easy, and that we wouldn't have to make any more decisions for him.

But that night I needed more answers. I had been told he wasn't much longer for this life, but yet he was still here. I was mourning him but still trying to soak all of him in. Turns out it is hard to do both, and it can really throw you off.

It's hard to tell you how I was feeling, because unless you are going through it then you have no idea. I know a lot of people thought they knew what was happening. I know a lot of people thought we would be able to keep him but he would just be a little different. But that wasn't the case, and we knew that. Even if you came to visit us at the hospital, you couldn't know how we were feeling through all of this. You weren't there when we would talk to the doctors and nurses. You weren't there watching his every (lack of) move. And you especially were not there when we would cry to Heavenly Father looking for answers.

They stuck me back in a room with a hospital bed that night and Logan made me sleep, because that's truly what I needed to do to be able to make it through the next few days.